The house computer. The community device every Bayoc child uses. I sat there one Wednesday night, expecting to quickly look up my Amazon order, and lo’ and behold, my browser said “www.porn@#!.com/allthingsinappropriateforaBayocChild.
What?!?!?!
Someone’s been Watching Porn? On the house computer? And it wasn’t me (cause I’d nevah evah evah (!)… use the house computer for such things, lol.
Some parents…those who have enough on their plates already…those who understand the fascination with porn for any teenager, those parents maybe would have side-eyed this as “age-appropriate curiosity” and left it at that.
But not Reine Bayoc.
Nooooooo, Reine Bayoc decided to work late, come home exhausted, call every Bayoc child downstairs just before bedtime to discuss porn versus intimacy.
Needless to say (but Immasayit!) my kids hated.this.entire.conversation. HaTED.It. All but one. My youngest sonshine (he is 13) was all ears, focused, with amazing eye contact that made me adequately uncomfortable. And I KNOW he wasn’t the Porn Watcher.
I won’t disclose who was…cause if you don’t ride or die for your kids, I mean, who do you ride for?
“Somebody’s been watching porn, and I just want to say that the fascination with porn is normal and age appropriate. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, nor ashamed of, buttttttttttttttttttt…”
Of course I had to do a dramatic-ass pause. I mean, a pause and a slooooooooow look to all three faces, a head slant and a thoughtful swallow, an endearing hand clasp, and a slight tilted bow of the head.
“Porn is a crazy-uncomfrotable-for-any-parent-to-discuss-with-her-child form of entertainment…made by paid professionals. It is not intimacy. Those performers are not in love. And I hope that when you all experience sex/intimacy for the first time and forever, you are passionately in love with someone who absolutely loves and adores you. And it will be nothing like porn.”
I should have stopped there, but I’m a wordy gemini who gets anxious, who wants to be authentic with her children, and who likes to cover ALL the bases. And I was exhausted (did I mention that?), and when I’m exhausted and uncomfortable…I ramble.
“Porn is like the sexual entertainment Olympics. It is unnatural and unreal. Like aerial acrobatics. Like, I’m not saying some of that stuff wont ever happen, but it’s rather unlikely until…”
And I almost said “until you get your skill set up”, but God covered by mouth with Her giant, loving hand and whispered to my soul, “Nikki, no baby. No. This is not what you say. Just stop. Forrealforreal.” And, yes, God talks to me like that and still calls me by birth name, on occasion.
My daughter’s face, y’all… she was dying. Like, I think she began to hold her breath and look at the ceiling, praying to pass out. In fact, the next day after school she told me she went to bed and couldn’t fall asleep because of my awkward porn conversation. It disturbed her all.night.long.
Which means…I kilt it!
No, seriously, when you have baby and you’re wiping up spit up, you never ever think about the day you have to discuss porn. Screw you, Internet! (except when I need your help with the kids’ math homework–you rock, then).
Parenting is never perfect. I fumble often. But like anything I fumble at, I still show up. And yes, these Almond Errbody Cookie Dough Bites have nothing to do with this story. They are just what I ate after that awkward talk because I had no wine in the house. But, they are pure 🙂 … no guilt nor shame involved in eating them, lol! Enjoy!
Almond Errthang Cookie Dough Bites
Ingredients: 1 cup almond flour 2 Tablespoons almond butter 2 Tablespoons maple syrup 2 Tablespoons sunflower seeds 2 Tablespoons cacao nibs (or chocolate chips... if you are all like...this is already healthy af and I want some joy) 1 Tablespoon olive oil (I use olive oil because it tastes "buttery" 1/4 tsp cinnamon pinch of pink Himalayan salt
Directions: 1. Put errthang in a bowl and blend with a spoon in your hand until combined. It's really that easy. And please PLAY WITH THE INGREDIENTS! Substitute pumpkin seeds, dried cranberries and pumpkin pie spice to make a delicious Fall bite; Take out the cacao and sunflower seeds and add puffed rice and more cinnamon to make a crispy snickerdoodle bite... or straight up kitchen sink it--anything will work. It's your kitchen, your magic. Enjoy!!
love and magic kitchen...conjuring the intuitive cook in you 