I have this recurring dream. I’ve had it since my mother’s death almost five years ago. I cry in the dream, and I am sometimes still crying when I wake up.
Last night I had the dream again, and I woke up talking to my mother…asking her to watch over my children…awake and mournfully somber that it was just a dream.
In this dream, I see my mother and know that she is dead. I do have a few dreams where I don’t realize she died in real life, but most of my dreams I do. Most of my dreams she and I talk as if she is no longer living. She’s even told me how “here” is…
“Nikki (that’s what she calls me), it is so amazing here. You won’t believe it,” she said in one dream, her voice wide-eyed like a child’s.
“Really? Wow. I can’t wait. I mean, I can, but…”
And we laughed.
Some dreams she warns me. Tells me not to retaliate when I’ve been hurt–“God saw it all. Don’t do anything. He is not happy, and He will handle it.” She tells me not to work so hard. She is always peaceful, unless she thinks I’m about to fuck it all up.
And since her death, there’s been a time or two I was, indeed, about to fuck.it.all.up.
But in this recurring dream, I know she died, but God decides to bring her back.
Just think about that.
God decides to bring her back to me.
Y’all, I cannot tell you how delicious this news sounds. I cannot tell you how my heart explodes because there is no way to hold all the glory that this news brings. The sensation in my heart is so wild that I feel it slide down my arms and burst through the palms of my hands in this dream. My body cannot contain any of its emotions…and I smile…wide…from the end of my hairs to the tips of my toenails.
I smile all over myself.
I see my momma and say, Momma, this time you won’t have to work at all. I can take care of you. Me, Cedric, Maine, and Spud (my brothers) got you. I am so happy!!!!” And she and I hug, and the embrace feels so real.
And this is when I cry in the dream.
And I cry now while typing.
The thought of one more opportunity to hug and talk to her is painfully beautiful. And though there is no way this could ever be a reality–in this recurring dream, there is no doubt in my mind that God would see her worthy of coming back to live a little lighter. A little freer. A little easier.
And it all feels so real.
If anything, this dream reminds me to take the moments I have with those who matter and look them in the eye, put my phone down, say “no” to invites that don’t feed me in any way–or enough, and hug and love and be present. And love. And love. And love. And forgive. And love some more.
Here…with the living.
My momma made buttermilk biscuits…and they were always perfect. And I’m not even exaggerating. She had mad biscuit skills. A biscuit scientist, of sorts. I developed a buttermilk biscuit recipe that I use at the shop in honor of the biscuits she made when I was a girl.
When I was little, we often had just biscuits for breakfast and complained not. They were a meal all on their own.
Momma was my original intuitive cook…”I don’t know what I did. I just mix it ’til it feels right.” She never made sweet potato biscuits…nor were her biscuits vegan. But I think she would approve of these beauties. These Sweet Potato Biscuits are tender–as a biscuit should be–and an adequate meal on their own, if you are about that life. With maple syrup and a little Earth Balance vegan butter spread. You will make them and want to eat the whole pan.
I am the daughter of a biscuit scientist.
Sweet Potato Biscuits
Preheat your oven to 350 degrees
- 3 1/2 cups cake flour
- 1/4 cup brown sugar
- 2 TBSP baking powder
- 1 tsp baking soda
- 1 tsp sea salt
- 1 tsp cinnamon
- 1/2 cup Spectrum Shortening, cut into small pieces
- 1/4 cup Earth Balance (vegan butter), cut into small pieces
- 1 1/2 cup sweet potato mash (from a couple of baked sweet potatoes)
- 3/4 cup unsweetened coconut yogurt
- Shift all of your dry ingredients into a bowl and set aside.
- Add your “butter” substitute and gently mix into your dry ingredients.
- Mix together your sweet potato puree and unsweetened coconut yogurt until it is well combined. With your hands, slowly add this mixture to your dry/”butter” mixture.
- Once combined, on a floured surface, turn out your dough and roll out to a one-inch thickness.
- With a 3″ biscuit cutter or a small cup, cut out your biscuits. You should get 15-16 biscuits.
- In a pan of your choice, melt a tablespoon of Earth Balance to coat the bottom of the pan.
- Place your biscuits on the pan (they can touch, that’s fine) and bake for 10-13 minutes.
- Serve hot, with Earth Balance and maple syrup.
Please note: Yes, you can substitute whole wheat flour for the cake flour, but the biscuits will be heavier. You can leave out the sugar, also, You can use solidified coconut oil for the “butter” substitute. You can use pumpkin instead of sweet potato. You can substitute the hell out of this beautiful recipe, but you will not have a biscuit that tastes as good as this one. You have been warned. But I would add one cup of toasted, chopped pecans to it. If you like that sort of thing.
Til next time, Reine